<written in 2000>

Instead of working on the stuff I get paid to do, I'm 
procrastinating by musing about one of the dumbest things 
on TV (and that's saying something):  Allie McBeal.  I 
watch it religiously.

Now to say that the Fox network is low-brow is like saying that 
UPN is for stupid teenagers.  Well, duh.  Fox can't even seem to 
manage a frequency much above Channel 2 in most metro markets.  
If there were a Channel 1, they'd have the franchise.

So why do I watch this inane show every week?  Guilty pleasures...
here is Dave Taber-man's top 10 reasons for Watching Allie McBeal:

    10.  Cheap thrills:  the thin blondes, the large-breasted black women, 
	 the cat fights -- all without the embarrassment of women's 
	 wrestling. 

     9.  Reminds me of college: uni-sex bathrooms  

     8.  Scatology:  lots of "situation comedy" about #10 and #9

     7.  Big lips, ugly smiles:  the casting director must get a special
	 bonus, because every woman on the show has large really large
         lips, but not one of them can manage a pretty smile.  This is 
	 hard to achieve even with real lawyers, let alone actors and 
	 models.

     6.  Justice is done:  the logical arguments, the ones with the law
         and common sense on their side, are completely ignored.  The 
	 jury and the judge do whatever will make me feel good.

     5.  Waddles and knee-pits:  if you've been watching, you know the
	 secret pleasures -- a cross between the Joy of Sex and a Richard
	 Simmons exercise video.  If you don't know what I'm talking 
	 about you just haven't been watching enough.

     4.  I forget the fourth reason.

     3.  All the men are ugly:  well, except for the guy they killed off 
	 last season.  Ugly men is comfort-food for the self image, what 
	 with all the bimbo lawyers that are so realistically ensconced 
	 about the office.

     2.  MTV:  Not since Miami Vice has a fashion video been mixed so
	 well with pointless drivel.  Four of the bimbos can sing,
	 and Vonda Shepherd is a nice bonus.

...and the number one reason I still watch Allie McBeal:

     1.  Waiting for pick-up lines from the Master:  the writer of this 
 	 show sleeps with Michelle Pfeiffer.  Every night.  He must have
	 the best lines, and hopefully he'll give out a few of them.