My close brush with death in cyberspace For those of you have ever seen me at a flea market, it will not come as much of a surprise that I subscribe completely to the Farengi rules of commerce. I relish the process of wrestling prices to the ground, just as I get sadistic pleasure from foisting off a rusting hulk as a "used car." With this in mind, it's natural that I'd be an early adopter of that electronic emporium, eBay. Now it turns out that eBay is really nifty if you have something to sell, but is completely disorganized if you have something you want to buy. Essentially, putting a "wanted" ad there is about as effective as counting calories on a diet of McDonald's food. I had something I wanted...so I had to figure out a way to disguise it as something for sale. I constructed a for sale ad in a way that the headline would grab the attention of the right audience, but the body would make everyone go away except for the one or two people who might just have what I was looking to buy. I submitted the ad, and waited for the web to do its magical entrapment of my unwitting victims. Now the way eBay works is as an auction, and there's nothing sillier than the behavior of people once competitive bidding has begun for some useless item. I knew that I had to avoid bids at all costs, or I'd get trapped into selling the thing I wanted to keep, while not getting access to the thing I was actually looking for. If I were to renege on an auction, Dave Taber would forever be banished from eBay; this is the latter day equivalent of losing citizenship. If this were to happen, I would have to live with the ignominy of an eBay avatar based on a fake identity. Several days rolled by without a bid, but with some interesting nibbles about the thingie I was looking for. But then, it happened: the wave of weekend nerds who spend hours cruising this virtual flea market in search of bargains. I made it through Saturday with many inquiries but no bids, then on Sunday I got a dozen disastrous bidders pushing the price of the item I had no intention of selling up by hundreds of dollars. I had hasty email conversations with most of the bidders, inventing reasons why this wasn't really the item for them, it wouldn't work, it weighed too much to send to Newfoundland, the State of California has determined that it may contain substances known to cause cancer, there were surely better values in some of the other auctions going on, I'm away on travel to Vladivostok and won't be able to conclude any deal before summer, I've contracted a strange disease resembling leprosy, and so on. But all this couldn't avoid the fact that there was going to be a winning bid. It was only a question of who and how much and could I convince them to give up on their interest. My very identity was at stake. Luckily, I got Walt. With the mere flick of two email prevarications he was dissuaded. He even thanked me for releasing him from his obligation to pay. I don't want to get too cocky, but I am thinking of injecting the following into eBay's effluent merchandise: Category: Toys, Antiques Description: Antique Model Tinker-toy Realistic tinker-toy bridge model, accurate in every detail, fully constructed and painted. Although it requires a lot of maintenance, this toy has won many awards and would be a blast for your kids. Dismantling and shipping fees to be paid by buyer. No box. Approximate weight 380,000 tons, FOB Brooklyn, NY. Minimum bid: $250