Postcard -- Automobile Slogans
June 2000

You may have noticed that car companies' advertising
tag-lines have been changing frequently.  This is probably 
because they fear (justifiably) that nobody will believe them, 
and they are constantly hunting for something that
will be less ridiculous than whatever they're using right
now.

It is with this in mind that I'd like to announce the winners
in the automobile truth-in-advertising contest.  You'll
notice that a few of these slogans are historical, showing
that slogoaneering has been a long-term trend.  Each company's 
tag line will be slightly amended to reflect their actual products:

BMW -- The Ultimate Driving Machine.  You won't be able
		to afford another one after this, so that makes
		this one the ultimate one.

Chevrolet -- Heartbeat of America.  Land of coronary 
		arrests.

Chevrolet -- Always there.  Where "there" means
		the place where they crush metal.

Chevy Trucks -- Like a Rock.  Lumpy -- heavy -- moss grows 
		on the sides.

Chrysler -- Engineered to be great cars.  Why we don't
		actually build them that way is something
		of a mystery.

Daewoo -- Affordable luxury.  OK, it's affordable.

FIAT -- The biggest smelling car in Europe. 
	
Ford -- Have you driven a Ford lately?  You have?  WOW,
		do you think we might be able to sell you
		one of these heaps?

Hyundai -- Driving is Believing.  Near-death experiences
		intensify belief.

Infiniti -- It's all the best thinking.  It's all the
		weirdest doing.

Isuzu -- Go farther.  For parts and service, that is.

Jaguar -- The Blending of Art and Machine. Our blender has
		a 5-speed automatic and makes a lot of noise.

Jeep -- There's only one Jeep.  We keep it in a museum
		and then we stamp out cheep imitations.

Lexus -- The relentless pursuit of perception.

Lincoln -- American Luxury.  German Pricing.

Mercedes/Benz -- Engineered like no other car in the
		world.  Everyone else refuses to use 
		slide-rules the way we do.

Nissan -- Driven.  Well, sometimes.

Oldsmobile -- Start something.  Else.

Packard -- Ask any man who owns one.  Go ahead, find
		one.  Knock yourself out.

Pontiac -- Driving excitement.  We think thrown connecting
		rods are very exciting.

Porsche -- Excellence is expected.  Pricetag is achieved.

Renault -- The one to watch.  Big traffic jams form when 
		people watch when we're on fire.

Sabaru -- The beauty of four wheel drive.  The beauty
		of Japanese styling.  The beauty of 
		Yokohama.

Toyota -- Every day.  Enough with the payments, already.

Toyota -- People drive us.  Animals can't figure out
		the user's manual.

Volvo -- Drive safely.  Exercise often.  Wear Birkenstocks.
		Eschew the Internet.  Diet frequently.
		Watch art films.  Join the Sierra Club.

VW -- Drivers wanted.  In 27 states.  There's an APB in Tennessee.